Q: What do you say to a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Good morning, Your Honor.
Q: How do you tell if a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: Why do they bury lawyers 100 feet into the ground?
A: Because down deep, they're good people.
Q: What's the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
A: Wing tips
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A doberman.
Q: If you are stranded in an elevator with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer... twice.
Q: How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Q: How is a lawyer like a whore?
A: For the right money, either one will assume any position.
Q: Why do lawyers wear such tight collars?
A: So the foreskin doesn't show.
Q: What do you give a lawyer before he goes swimming?
A: An anchor.
Q: What do you call 10,000 lawyers on the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
Q: What is the difference between a dead dog and a dead lawyer in the road.
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?
A: The rooster clucks defiance.
Q: Why should you avoid running over a bicycle-riding lawyer?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One's a scum-sucking bottom-dweller, and the other is a fish.
Q: What happens when you give a lawyer viagra?
A: He gets taller.
Q: What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
A: 1 in a million turns out to be a human being.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a box full of shit.
A: The box.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: A bucket.
After all, just 90% of lawyers make the other 10% look bad...
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Two - the rest are all true stories.
A lawyer wrote a will for an elderly lady. She asked the price and he said, "One hundred dollars, please." She gave him a crisp new $100 bill without noticing that a second $100 bill was stuck to it. Immediately, the lawyer faced an ethical dilemma: "Do I have to report this on my taxes?"
Q: What do you have when you have 2 lawyers buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.