mario::konrad
programming / C++ / sailing / nerd stuff
Jokes
© / Mario Konrad

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's Lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy: "$750."

Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that s--- again"


This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.


A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below.

He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am"

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude"

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far"

The man below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."


A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away. After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs, "Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he gives us the length."


Richard M. Stallman, Linus Torvalds, and Donald E. Knuth engage in a discussion on whose impact on the computerized world was the greatest.

Stallman: "God told me I have programmed the best editor in the world!"

Torvalds: "Well, God told me that I have programmed the best operating system in the world!"

Knuth: "Wait, wait - I never said that."


A lawyer, a doctor and a computer engineer were driving a car up a curvy, hilly road.

The car speeds around a corner, slips, smashes through the highway barrier, and flies down a cliff.

By some miracle, the 3 people survived.

The doctor immediately said: "We need to make sure that everyone is ok. Any bones broken?"

The lawyer said: "We need to find out who built that defective road and sue them!"

The engineer said: "Hold on, just wait a minute. Don't jump to conclusions. What we gotta do is push the car back up the hill and see if this happens again."


Two atoms are talking to each other, and one says,

"I think I've just lost an electron!"

"Are you certain?" the other replies.

"Yes! I'm positive!"


An Engineer, a Mathematician, and a Physicist are taked with building a fence for a Texan's ranch that encloses the most amount of area using the least fence.

The engineer goes first. She builds a circular fence about 100m in diameter, and states that her design is the most efficient under the conditions stated.

With much handwaving, the Physicist proposes to build a fence around the equator of the earth, as the curvature of the 2D surface of the earth in 3D will enable more area to be enclosed per unit of perimeter. His design is thrown out for lack of practicality.

By this time, the Mathematician has finished thinking. The Engineer and the Physicist follow him to the very back of the Texan's property. He takes 4 short sections of fence, builds a tiny fence around himself, and says... "I declare myself to be on the outside."


A Mathematician, a Biologist, and a Statician are watching people going in and coming out of the building on the other side of the street. First they see two people going in - after awhile three people come out.

The Biologist concludes, "They're mating!"

The Statician says, "No, no, no - The measurement wasn't accurate."

The Mathematician says, "If someone else goes in, it'll be empty."


Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant. "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please". The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea.

So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding.

He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".


A shepherd is tending his flock when a black 5 series BMW pulls up in his field. A dude jumps out of the car wearing $2000 loafers, an Armani suit, Gucci tie, Blancpain watch.

"Hey Shepherd" says the Dude, "if I can guess exactly how many sheep you have in this field, can I have one of them?".

The Shepherd looks at the field and says "I'm a punting man; give it your best shot".

The Dude whips out his WAP and calls a satellite flyover service and gives them a telephone number. 10 minutes later, an overhead view is faxed to the Dude and he counts up the animals.

"Shepherd, you have exactly 1218 sheep".

The Shepherd confirms this is correct and the Dude opens the trunk of the Beemer and puts an animal in the trunk.

"Tell me sir" says the Shepherd, "if I can guess what you do for a living, can I have my animal back?"

"Sure", says the Dude, grinning.

"You are a IT Consultant and you work for either Accenture or KPMG."

"Fuck!! Right on" exclaims the Dude "How didja guess?"

"Well" says the Shepherd "Firstly you turned up unannounced, unwanted and with no prior warning. Then you told me what I already knew. And then you proved you knew absolutely nothing about my business. So give me back my fuckin' dog".


Three statisticians went duck hunting. A duck was approaching and the first statistician shot, and missed the duck by being a foot too high.

The second shot and was a foot too low.

The third cried, "We hit it!"


A group of psychologists are running an expirement. the place the subject in a room with a sink, a bucket and a garbage can with a fire in it.

They start with an engineer. The engineer grabs the bucket, runs to the sink, fills it with water and throw it on the fire which promptly goes out.

Next up was a physicist. The physicist whips out his slide rule, does some quick calculations, take the bucket over to the sink, fills it and throws it on the fire. The fire goes out exponentially.

Then they let an applied mathematician try it. The Amath guy fills bucket, sets it down next to the fire and leaves. Astonished, the psychologists ask why he didn't put the fire out. The Amath guy repplied that he had reduced it to an already solved problem.

Last up was a mathematician. The mathematician looked at the fire. Then he walked over and looked at the bucket. Then he walked over to the sink, looked at it, and nodded. He then left the room. The psychologists were completely baffeled by this and asked the mathematician about his behavior.

"Simple," he replied. "I just proved that a solution existed."


Computers are like air conditioners: they stop working properly when you open windows.


An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist went to the horse races one Saturday and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after the race, the engineer says, "I don't understand why I lost all my money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..."

The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest probability of winning..."

"...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer. But before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his secret.

"Well," he says, between puffs on the pipe, "first I assumed all the horses were identical and spherical..."


2 strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, "Bartender, I'll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?#4ru!2[sACC~ErJ" The second string says "Pardon my friend, he isn't NULL terminated."


A policeman pulls Werner Heisenberg over on the autobahn for speeding.

Policeman: "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg: "No, but I know exactly where I am."


A lawyer, an accountant, and an engineer all go into the men's room.

The lawyer does his business, then washes his hands, then completely dries his hands with a truly profligate amount of paper towels.

"Lawyers are trained to be thorough" he explains.

The accountant does his business, then washes his hands. But he uses a minimal amount of paper towel, while making sure his hands are as completely dry as the lawyer's.

"Accountants are trained to be thorough and efficient!" he explains.

The engineer does his business, and walks out without washing his hands!

Flabbergasted, the lawyer and the accountant demand an explanation.

"Engineers don't pee on their hands."


A doctor, a civil engineer and a programmer are discussing whose profession is the oldest.

"Surely medicine is the oldest profession." says the doctor. "God took a rib from Adam and created Eve and if this isn't medicine I'll be..."

But the civil engineer breaks in: "But before that He created the heavens and the earth from chaos. Now that's civil engineering to me."

The programmer thinks a bit and then says: "And who do you think created chaos?"


An engineer and a salesman go bear hunting.. they rent a large cabin on a mountain, and hike up to it.. when they get there, the salesman says "OK, you get us unpacked, and I'll go get us some bears."

The engineer thinks this is a little odd, but agrees. He finishes unpacking, when he hears some shouting. He goes outside, and across the clearing, the salesman is running directly towards the cabin, being chased by the biggest, angriest looking bear the engineer had ever seen.

"Open the door!" yells the salesman, and the engineer complies. With the bear on his heels, the salesman rushes up to the door, but at the last minute, he darts to the side. The bear, unable to stop, continues into the cabin.

The salesman quickly slams the door shut, and the bear (even angrier now) begins to trash the cabin.

The salesman smiles at the engineer, and says "OK, you finish this one, I'll go find us another."


Question: What's the different between a used car salesman and a computer salesman?

Answer: The used car salesman knows when he is lying.


A group of managers goes on their annual hunting trip. The hunting is good this season, and they get a record catch.

They load it all in the plane, but the pilot is nervous. He says, "The plane is overloaded. We'll never make it." But the managers assure him that everything will be fine. Despite his repeated warnings, they finally tell him that they will take the responsibility if anything happens.

The pilot begrudgingly taxies as far down the runway as he can, opens the throttle, and tries to take off. But there's just too much weight. He screams, "It's no use! We're gonna crash unless you dump some weight!" But the managers tell him to keep going, everything is fine.

Finally, the plane gets off the ground. But sure enough, it's too late. The plane can't clear the fence at the end of the runway and crashes to the ground. Amazingly, everyone survives.

The pilot limps out and says, "See?!? I told you it would never work! What a failure!" But the managers say, "Faliure? This was an astounding success! We got two meters higher than last year!"


Tech Support: "Hello, how may I help you?"

Customer: "Hi, I have Windows 98 installed."

Tech Support: "Yes."

Customer: "Now I'm in trouble."

Tech Support: "Yes, you already said that."


Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!!!


Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Fife: One to complain that the screw on the bulb is phallic, one to complain that the socket could be compared to a vagina and is a sign of female oppression, one to complain that it was invented by a man to inconvenience women, one to call a man who actually knows how to screw in a lightbulb to do it for them, and one that complains about how much better women can change lightbulbs.


Johnny was a chemist,

but Johnny is no more.

What Johnny thought was H2O

was H2SO4.


What have lawyers and sperm got in common?

1 in 100,000,000 has the chance of becoming human.


Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 4: one to change the bulb, 3 to form a support group.

A: 2: one to screw it in and one to screech about how the socket is being exploited.

A: THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

A: 4: one to screw it in and three to discuss the sexual implications.

A: it's a trick question, feminists do not change anything.

A: 3: one to try to change it, one to call a man to do it and one to explain how a woman could have done it much better.

A: 20: one to change the bulb, the rest to make a documentary all about it.

A: 100: one to change it, 99 to wring their hands and agonize about how oppressed the socket is.

A: 11: one to DO IT ALL BY HERSELF!! and 10 to form a survivors of darkness support group.

A: feminists don't screw at all, that's what sperm bank is for.

A: None, it's not the lightbulb that needs changing.

A: None, they prefer to sit in the dark and bitch about it.

A: 2: one to change the bulb and one to write about how it feels.

A: 2: one to change it and one to tell her she did a really good job.