mario::konrad
programming / C++ / sailing / nerd stuff
Buying Gifts for Geeks: The Rules
© / Mario Konrad
  1. When in doubt - buy him a Star Wars book. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 copies of "The Wookie Cookies Cookbook" and he has yet to complain. As a geek, you can never have too many Star Wars books.
  2. If you cannot afford a Star Wars book, buy him anything with an acronym in it. Geeks love saying those acronyms. "Hey, George! Can I borrow your PS2 to USB adapter?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my PC2100 DDR RAM tester yet?"
  3. If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his game system. A crappy third-party DDR pad, a whacky looking joystick, or any game from the bargain bin. Geeks love gifts for their game systems.
  4. Do not buy geeks cologne. Do not buy geeks ties. And never buy geeks designer shoes. If God had wanted geeks to wear decent clothes, he wouldn't have invented sweatpants.
  5. You can buy geeks new remote controls to for their computer. If you have a lot of money, buy your geek a big-screen TV that can hook up to the computer with an ergonomic chair. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
  6. Do not buy a geek any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, you will have to listen to the many different concoctions they did at the Microsoft Party.
  7. Buy any geek industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they will appreciate the efficiency and savings.
  8. Do not buy geeks label makers. Within a couple of weeks, there will be sighs because they will be lamenting for the newest model with Ethernet and modem ports so that he can create labels remotely.
  9. Never buy a geek anything that says "for outside use" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always stick it in the closet.
  10. Good places to shop for geeks include Electronics Boutique, Suncoast Video, Circuit City, Fry's Electronics, Barnes and Noble, and pricewatch.com. (Online stores for "Lord of the Rings" merchandise are also excellent geek stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From 'Lord of the Rings', eh? Must be something I wanted. Hey! Isn't this genuine orc hair? Wow! Thanks.")
  11. Geeks enjoy stupidity. That's why they never make mistakes of their own (cough) - but they will enjoy others' stupidity. Get him the complete Monty Python Collection. Or point him to complaint pages by AOLers. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants to be p//33n3d?"
  12. Tickets to a cheesy kung fu movie are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to the WWF.
  13. Geeks love personal electronics. But never, ever, buy a geek you love a laptop. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
  14. It's hard to beat a really processor upgrade or an ergonomic keyboard. Never buy a real geek a regular keyboard. It must be an ergonomic keyboard.
  15. Photoshop. Geeks love Photoshop. It takes us back to the days when pasting your face on the body of a model was funny or at least desperate. Nothing says love like Adobe Photoshop 6.0.